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sonofahurricaneI'm not going home for Christmas.
This is the first time in my entire life I'm not going home for Christmas, because I've been in school every December except this one and so unlike my Actual Adult Siblings, I was always on break, could stay with my mom through January. not this year, obviously, because even though theoretically I'd have two weeks (ish), if I wanted to negotiate that with my new job, we're seeing a huge rise in cases and I would have to travel ten hours by car because there's no way in hell I'd be taking a plane and I'd have to stop for gas and to sleep. And I don't want to get anyone sick.
the job thing is kind of wildly inconvenient; I mean, I'm really fucking grateful to get paid and keep trying to make this thing work out here on my own, but if I hadn't gotten a job I was just going to move home maybe at Christmas, and live with mom. She'd be delighted. Instead I made her cry by telling her I won't be coming home, which is not like--I think sounds shamey-er than it was, but it's been a year since we've seen each other and that may be the longest we've been apart since I was born. Plus I've been sick for so long and it would be nice to. Have mom for a while. And then you get into that dark like "how long will this be did I see my mom for the last time in person in January when I left" which. I don't think that will be the case, actually, and good things are actually happening to me here for the first time in what feels like ages; moving along on hysterectomy stuff, maybe getting medication that will help me, DO have a new job even if it's not really truly enough money to live on and one of the kids is sick so I'm not starting tomorrow.
but also this sucks which I know we all know but. it sucks so much. it sucks that I haven't seen my friends since March and I think honestly longer for a lot of them, I jsut think early March was the last time I fucked Andrew and that I will be spending Christmas alone unless my landlords' trip gets cancelled (which it SHOULD, but.) Like my friends won't meet up because we're all being too careful, and that fucking sucks.
But also I guess. bodys just came on so we keep living. we just keep living.
This is the first time in my entire life I'm not going home for Christmas, because I've been in school every December except this one and so unlike my Actual Adult Siblings, I was always on break, could stay with my mom through January. not this year, obviously, because even though theoretically I'd have two weeks (ish), if I wanted to negotiate that with my new job, we're seeing a huge rise in cases and I would have to travel ten hours by car because there's no way in hell I'd be taking a plane and I'd have to stop for gas and to sleep. And I don't want to get anyone sick.
the job thing is kind of wildly inconvenient; I mean, I'm really fucking grateful to get paid and keep trying to make this thing work out here on my own, but if I hadn't gotten a job I was just going to move home maybe at Christmas, and live with mom. She'd be delighted. Instead I made her cry by telling her I won't be coming home, which is not like--I think sounds shamey-er than it was, but it's been a year since we've seen each other and that may be the longest we've been apart since I was born. Plus I've been sick for so long and it would be nice to. Have mom for a while. And then you get into that dark like "how long will this be did I see my mom for the last time in person in January when I left" which. I don't think that will be the case, actually, and good things are actually happening to me here for the first time in what feels like ages; moving along on hysterectomy stuff, maybe getting medication that will help me, DO have a new job even if it's not really truly enough money to live on and one of the kids is sick so I'm not starting tomorrow.
but also this sucks which I know we all know but. it sucks so much. it sucks that I haven't seen my friends since March and I think honestly longer for a lot of them, I jsut think early March was the last time I fucked Andrew and that I will be spending Christmas alone unless my landlords' trip gets cancelled (which it SHOULD, but.) Like my friends won't meet up because we're all being too careful, and that fucking sucks.
But also I guess. bodys just came on so we keep living. we just keep living.
